


3 Paulas and I

by DenDenMonMon



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 14:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19378507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DenDenMonMon/pseuds/DenDenMonMon
Summary: "Thank you so much for coming. I'm glad you all made it."





	3 Paulas and I

**Original Author's Notes:**

I don't know about you guys but I believe the changes we can see in Paula are amazing. It's like she managed to bring a better version of herself out. She looks so much better, healthier... well I hope you can see everything I feel and think about the matter through my writing. This fic is very important and means a lot to me. Hopefully, I will be able to pass the feeling to you. Enjoy and have a pleasant reading. –Monkey.

**3 Paulas and I**  
Started 07/11/11

  
  
I look around the room and I can't help but feeling a little uneasy, this is an important day for me. There has been a lot of craziness surrounding my life for the past few years and I think it's about time to set the record straight. It is about time.  
  
The house is quiet which is unusual and a little bit scary. I'm not sure how long this meeting is going to take so I asked everybody to leave me alone for the day, only the ones called to the reunion are allowed to come in. My assistants, my producers, my friends, even my housekeeper get the day off, with instructions not to disturb me in any possible way. My cell-phones are off, the house phone is muted, the TVs and computers are unplugged, the front gates are locked as well as every window and every door of the house, even my babies spend the day at Wendy's. This is a very private meeting.  
  
I sit at the head of the table waiting for my guests to arrive. I sigh heavily trying not to think about what I'm going to say to these people, if I over-think what's about to happen I will probably break down in the middle of my speech, so it's so much better for me to keep my mind blank as I wait.  
  
_Quiet mind, peaceful heart. Quiet mind, peaceful heart._ I start chanting my mantra that had helped me to calm down since years ago.  
  
I don't know how long have I lost in my meditation but I feel a warm breeze hitting my face informing me I'm not alone anymore. I don't open my eyes right away. I'm not ready yet. I take deep breaths to slow down the speeding beating of my heart.  
  
After a few seconds, I dare myself to open my eyes and then is when I see her, a huge smile on her face. Paulita is the first one to arrived, I should have guessed. Her hair is let down in soft, perfect curls that fall gracefully just above her waist, a small strand hides behind her ear held by a cute flower. She's wearing a soft pink Sunday dress and a white open sweater on top of it. This time she is not wearing any kind of high heels, instead she's wearing white flats to adorn her feet, it only makes her look even shorter as she stands in front of me. I'm surprised by the little make up she's wearing but, again, she has always been the fresher version of myself. The sweet and kind me that doesn't need too many accessories to feel pretty because, to her, everybody loves me for who I am not because of the way I look or the things I have. For her the world is as pink as her dress.  
  
She stands a little too straight with her ankles together, her fingers interlinked as she slowly rocks back and forth on her heels. She smiles sweetly at me waiting for my instructions. I point at one of the three chairs and, very gracefully, she walks to sit by my side.  
  
The smile she gives me is really comforting, she will always find the way to make people feel at ease around her, to feel love, to feel worth it. That's simply the power she has. That's why she is the first one to arrive, always have and always will. She's bubbling and caring and the one I like to hang with the most, only because she's the perfect shelter, that smile pasted on her face right now has been shown through the toughest of times to protect the real me from the world. And not just that, her power is so big that, while protecting me, she can also protect others at the same time. My mind flies to a few years back and all those Idol hopefuls she helped.  
  
Suddenly I feel the need to thank her, to pull her into the longest hug in history, but I can't, this is neither the time nor place. I need to keep myself focus, objective. As if she sensed my insecurities, Pauletta makes her presence noticed. I lift my head when the hot breeze touches my skin. There’s always something fire-like in the air when she’s around. Without waiting for me to tell her, she sits by my side, opposite to Paulita, that will always be her place. She crosses one leg over the other letting her toned thighs exposed.  
  
She’s wearing a tight black dress, with little sparkles here and there. Sky high black heels, she will never fail on wearing the highest stilettos she can find. Her hair is straightened and let down, a big metal flower adorning the left side of her head. Her cleavage goes deep down, showing those big round breasts I have always struggled with, but she loves. She’s the main reason for the rocking body we share, she wanted something to brag about, a body to match the attitude. Pauletta is the tough, the sexy, snappy me, the one that will fight tooth and nail against the world, the one that owns the confidence that I can’t embody. She will come out just when I need her, when I let my guard down and Paulita can’t take it anymore.  
  
It feels weird to see them sitting across each other. They are so different and yet, they both make me who I am. The difference can be seen, felt, smelled. Paulita sits with her hands together on the table, her ankles crossed, her curls falling softly, a warm aura surrounding her that will always accompany her. On the other hand, Pauletta taps her fingers on the table growing impatient, she sits with her back straight, her breast up, her legs demanding attention showing under the small piece of fabric that can barely be called a dress. Everything about her screams ‘look at me, I’m pretty, I’m smart, I’m witty, I’m sexy, and if you think otherwise too bad for you, that’s not my problem.’  
  
I love them both dearly, they have been with me through good and bad, better and worse, ups and downs. They walked with me side by side, just like right now and yet, they will never like the other. The complete opposite.  
  
The look they give each other is not a nice one, they want to scream to each other, to make the other leave but they can’t. They know the reason why they are here and know they need to wait for me to give them the chance to talk, their turn to speak. Because there will be no more fighting, this will be the last inner battle I will allow myself to have with them so I’m going to moderate it as I please or, better yet, as I can handle it.  
  
Even if they can’t speak to each other, I can feel them fighting for power, I can feel them trying to win over my mind, my heart. It’s really hard to keep a straight face. Even I am not allowed to say anything to them until all the chairs are filled, but it’s so difficult. My heart starts pounding and I feel a pressure on my chest making it hard to breathe.  
  
I get back to my mantra and not longer after, I feel the familiar cold breeze. This one I’m not afraid of. I immediately open my eyes just to see Pawler entering the room. She’s the last one, she’s late as always, and she doesn’t care, as always. I look at her up and down shaking my head in disbelief. She’s wearing straight blue jeans that go a little too high on her waist, a black T-Shirt and her hair parted in half in a low ponytail. She makes me wonder why I’ve worked so hard to be in shape if she is going to hide it like that. But I need to remind myself why she’s here, why she is even part of this reunion, part of me, I need to remind myself the one that she took after. I need to remind myself the person that made her show up in my life and turned it upside down. I’m not saying that her being here is a bad thing, but it’s not a good thing either.  
  
Pawler is the latest addition to the equation. While Paulita and Pauletta fought each other during almost my entire life, Pawler showed up a few years ago as cocky and arrogant as she could be, demanding them both to stand back as she ran the show, to make me act the only way a certain someone likes. She came to make a version of me that the certain Brit would approve.  
  
She takes the empty seat nonchalantly, like if she didn’t have us waiting for her. She knows we will always wait for her because, even though she hasn’t been here for as long as the other two, she, very easily, has won me over since the beginning. There had been some situations when I wouldn’t listen to anybody else but her because my main priority became to please her, to make her happy. Because everything is easier when she’s happy. If she’s happy, he’s happy, which means the rest of the world would have peace. That’s probably the only reason why she’s here today in this meeting. I no longer want his happiness to mean mine.  
  
Paulita and Pauletta look at her but Pawler simply rolls her eyes at them. She doesn’t care what the other two think or have to say. I think it’s time to get this over with.  
  
I sigh one more time as I stand up.  
  
“Thank you so much for coming. I'm glad you all made it." That’s all that comes out of my mouth. I’m shaking, I’m physically shaking. And given the circumstances, I don’t think that was such a bad opening line. I try to stay calm, any change on my mood, they will be able to feel it and may take advantage of it. I need to be at the top of my game. If they, by any chance, sense my insecurity or feel my guard down this can turn ugly.  
  
“I think you know why you are all here,” I try to sound as professional as I can. “There had been a lot of things going on around us. The press is saying a lot of BS about me and you are not helping. I need you to stop fighting each other ‘cause it’s really tiring me. I try to listen to you but it’s hard when you all speak at once. I wanna give you all the respectful place in my heart that you deserve but it’s never enough for you. This meeting is for you to respect each other, if we can’t live in peace how do you expect outsiders to leave us alone? Now, this is your last chance, go ahead, let everything you have to say out and let’s get it over it with.”  
  
I sit back down motioning them to start.  
  
“This is pointless,” Pawler rolls her eyes crossing her arms across her chest.  
  
“For the first time ever, I think I will have to agree with… that,” Pauletta changes her crossed leg as she points at Pawler. “It is pointless, ‘cause once she’s here you won’t listen to anyone else.”  
  
And Pawler lets a huge ‘Thank you’ out proving her point.  
  
I want to scream at them, to tell them that’s not true but this is not my time to protest. I have to accept their feelings, to take what they have to say, the way they feel, what they think, take it all into my heart, embrace it so hard that it won’t hurt me anymore. So I let them, I stay speechless as the ground for my last inner battle starts to settle.  
  
“Talking is always good.” Of course, Paulita tries to get the conversation started. “Why don’t we start by pointing what we like about each other.”…”  
  
“I can tell you what I don’t like.”  
  
“I can do that, too.”  
  
Apparently, Pawler and Pauletta decide to form a team against poor Paulita, but she’s strong enough. She’s even stronger than those two that know nothing but screaming, nothing but jumping to their opponent’s throat with the first thing that comes to their heads. Paulita has a harder job, she needs to find the good things, the bright side. Once more I feel like hugging her but I won’t take sides, I won’t bend to Paulita’s sweetness, Pauletta’s confidence or Pawler’s……well, she’s something else.  
  
“I’ll start. I don’t think you appreciate everything I have done for you,” Pawler speaks with that tone that makes her statement sound like the most natural thing in the world. “If it wasn’t because of Simon, you three wouldn’t be what you are today.”  
  
Oh, so now she’s including me into the mess, this oughtta be good.  
  
“He’s the reason why you have improved so much, Pauletta, you were barely half of what you are now by the time I got here. Thanks to his comments towards Paula, he made you come out stronger with every fight. And thanks to his comments towards the contestants, he made you, Paulita, express yourself a lot better, or do I have to remind you the way you stumbled over your own words when trying to ease the helpless wannabe singers’ pain after one of Simon’s harsh comments? Now you know exactly when to talk and what to say. So technically, since I came along, things have only gotten better." She sits back in her chair, proud of her speech.  
  
Pauletta's laughter fills the room and sounds through the halls. "That's a big joke, right there. Cause you have got to be kidding me. How could you say it's thanks to you that we are who we are? I would say the complete opposite. It's because of you that Paula lost her balance. Paulita and I were on our way to kinda get along and you came and everything went to the trash!"  
  
Pauletta is screaming by now. I close my eyes, I can't really look at them.  
  
"I have to say your presence is not... um very appreciated," Paulita is struggling with her words, I can feel it and, I have to say it's not a nice feeling. "Ever since you showed up, it's like she's not Paula anymore. You stole her essence."  
  
Pawler's response? Rolled eyes.  
  
Paulita continues though, "Believe me, I have enough cleaning up after Miss Snappy over there to be worrying about you..."  
  
"Hey!" Of course, Pauletta feels offended.  
  
I feel hot tears gathering behind my closed eyes. I can't believe how much hate I host towards myself. I knew I had issues with myself, I knew there were parts of me that I didn't like but it isn't until I gave that hate green light to run free and confront the parts that I don't feel comfortable with that I realized the magnitude of it.  
  
It's big. It's huge. I start crying because it hurts, it physically hurts to feel them fighting with each other. Each scream, each hurtful word, each cold stare they share feels like an actual punch to the stomach, to the heart. And the weird part is that they let me cry. Paulita is not trying to hug the pain away, Pauletta is not encouraging me to be stronger than the problem and Pawler isn't telling me how ridiculous my tears are. They simply let me cry.  
  
Maybe because I don't care anymore, I'm not important, this is all about them not me, and they know it, that's why they don't mind me. They keep on fighting like only they know; in a hurtful, painful way that already has me feeling beaten. I have always been hard on myself and they take that from me, pushing each other to the edge.  
  
"No, no, no! Shut the fuck up! You are nothing! Everything would be a whole lot better without your sugar-sweet useless side."  
  
"Useless? I'm the reason why Paula stayed on Idol for so long. I'm the reason why the audience loves her so much. Because of her kindness and good heart."  
  
"Ha! Rubbish! If she stayed on Idol, if the public loved her it was only because of me. It's her relationship with Simon that the audience loves, not her. If she, by any reason, stays away from him for too long people will start to forget her."  
  
"We have been more than well this year without him!"  
  
I have to say that Pauletta is right. The words that she just spitted to Pawler's face have some truth in them. Since I decided to leave American Idol, things have gone a lot better. Maybe it's because I don't have the press haunting me or that I'm no longer in the spotlight every week. The fact that I don't share that much time with Simon has also helped a lot.  
  
My trip to Thailand taught me a lot of things; my enormous lack of balance was one of the biggest ones. I feel torn apart by my own self. I no longer feel comfortable under my own skin, I'm doubtful of my abilities, I don't give enough credit to what I have accomplished. I simply don't love myself... at least not as I used to, and I think it's time for a change.  
  
"You are impossible!" Paulita hits her hand against the table, frustrated. She will never allow herself to be mad. "Why can't you just come off of yourselves and think of the consequences your actions have in other people for once?"  
  
"Because while you are too busy painting the world pink and filling it with glitters, there are people talking crap about it. While I try to defend her and you try to defend other people and this one over here tries to impress Simon, what comes out of her mouth doesn't make any sense! Open your eyes, freaken fairy!" Pawler opens up her mouth but Pauletta quickly interrupts her "And don't get me started on you, Miss British-accent-is-so-awesome!"  
  
"Not just the accent."  
  
I don't know how much of this would I be willing to take. It feels like a storm is falling inside me, my tears fall like rain, wetting every part of me, taking every bit of pain, trying to get it out through my eyes. Their screams are like thunders, the sound of their hurtful words is so strong, bouncing in the walls of my mind that it almost makes me dizzy. And the anger is like lightning bolts that shine so hard they blind me from everything else around me. I know I said this was going to be my last inner battle but I never thought this would be Paula's World War I, or worse.  
  
I almost regret calling this meeting. I thought I was stronger, I thought I could be alone with myself and fight the crocodiles of my mind without any help. I guess I was wrong.  
  
"Oh, please! That is nothing, you should try to listen to me more often. I know what Simon likes and he knows what the public likes and..."  
  
"Enough with the Simon crap already! He knows shit!"  
  
"Is that so? Do I have to remind you about the Hey, Paula failure or the Dr. Phil fiasco?"  
  
"Hey, Paula was not a failure! It let people know the real her, the real us, her beautiful spirit."  
  
"All that rubbish plus it enhanced the drunk accusations, the drug..."  
  
"You better not say another effin word or you will meet the real Pauletta! You are the main reason of all that crap. Those accusations were never made before Idol. Her job was well respected, her name meant nothing but respect on the field. Idol came, Simon came, you came and everything went to the toilet!"  
  
"It's not my fault you weren't strong enough to handle my presence."  
  
"We didn't know your presence meant so much bullshit!"  
  
They don't like each other. They don't respect each other, which means that I don't like myself, I don't respect myself. Realization starts to hit as I heard their hurtful words towards the other, those are my feelings, not theirs. I don't think of myself as strong enough, I feel like a part of me is full of bullshit, I feel like thanks to Idol my life as a respected artist went to the toilet.  
  
That's how I look at myself. It's not a pretty look.  
  
"Girls, come on..." Paulita sighs as her face falls to her hands. She's reaching her boiling point and nothing good can come out of it. It's the moment when I can't be nice anymore. Not even to myself.  
  
My eyes travel to their faces, one by one. The mixture of expressions is the same mixture of emotions I'm feeling. I want to cry in frustration like Paulita, I want to hit and break everything around the room like Pauletta and I want to call Simon to distract me from all of this like Pawler.  
  
But I can do none. I need to face them, to control those emotions and keep them down. I haven't been able to control my emotions and that's the biggest issue of them all. I have given so much freedom to this three that they got out of control.  
  
"Fuck, not that again! I swear if you start crying again Imma..."  
  
"You are gonna what? Huh?! C'mon tell me. You only know how to get mad and snap at people. Try to be nice for once."  
  
"What do I need to be nice for? To let people step on me all the time? Thanks but no thanks."  
  
Should I stop being nice then? If I do, will people stop stepping on me? All this interrogation is not new to me. I have tried a change of attitude so many times before but nothing works. If I'm not constantly jumping from nice to snappy, from depression to anger, from happy to gloomy, I just can't function. I need a permanent source of distress to push myself to keep on going and if I can't find that reason around me, I create a conflict within me. Just like this one.  
  
"That's pure nonsense! Why don't you shut up and listen to the grownups while they are talking."  
  
"Says the first one to act childishly when she doesn't get her way."  
  
"Dawrling, I always get my way."  
  
Pauletta's response, sarcastic laughs, which are like a kick in the gut. It hurts just as much.  
  
"To be truth, every time you have gotten 'your way' we are the ones suffering the consequences. Paula is not the same since you came. Her true self got lost somewhere between her anger…" Paulita points at Pauletta with her eyes, "…and your devotion to Simon. And I liked the real Paula better."  
  
"Don't be silly. My 'anger', as you call it, did nothing but to make her stronger."  
  
"And I'm not devoted to Simon! I simply made Paula witty enough to fight him, which in a way made her grow."  
  
"Simon is BS! He hurt us..." This is the Paulita that I didn't want to see. "He hurt so many young people just for the fun of it!"  
  
Now tears start falling from her eyes. I extend my hand to touch her but I can't reach her, they are too far away in this out-of-body experience.  
  
"And he will keep on hurting contestants, keep on hurting us, keep on hurting Paula. Why? Because that just the way he is, who he is and he will never change."  
  
"He is the reason she has a job!"  
  
"We don't need that job!"  
  
Pauletta stands, hitting the table with her open hands. I’ve had it.  
  
"OK, enough! We do need that job and we need to get this over with if we want to perform that job correctly! So, you, sit down. You, stop crying. And you, drop that smug grin, would you? Don't you see what you are doing here? You are hurting me, your words cut me deeper than the press’, the audience’s or even Simon’s will ever be. You can't be fighting with each other all the time. It’s not healthy for me. All that dedication you give to the battle you have inside me should be put to good use instead. Imagine that force with which you attack each other, helping me to go pass a depression period instead."  
  
They all look at the table guiltily. They know by now what the deal is. I let them fight, I let them let everything out, I listened to what they had to say. Now, it’s time for them to hear me.  
  
"Pawler is right, we have a new task to take on. Whether he just gave us the opportunity or we earned it, is not important right now. What matters is that we need to do it right. Paulita, I'm gonna need your sweetness to help those kids to reach their best level. Pauletta, you know the press better than anybody, you oughtta help me handle it. And Pawler, working hours on end next to... him won't be easy, and you know how bad he can get, Imma need you around. I need to concentrate on this new assignment a hundred percent. Give myself to it fully and completely, because this is what we love to do, dammit! It's all about finding new talent, nurturing it personally, one on one."  
  
I know I hit a sensitive spot. Because as much as they don't like the other one's perspective, they share the same passion for what I do and there is no doubt about it.  
  
"Can you please help me out here? I don't wanna be in the spotlight without weapons to fight with. Let's not give them any reason to attack us, shall we?"  
  
There had been so many comments about the way I look, the way I dress. I took a year to fix that. I like the way I look now and I feel comfortable with my body. Now it's time to work on the way I feel. The way I present myself is taken care of, the way I project my persona is next. And the same dedication must be given to both. Just as I can take 3 or 4 hours to work on my body non-stop, I can take a few hours of my day to talk to these three ladies and share some quality time with them.  
  
"Do you think you can find a way to join forces to help me be stronger instead of using it to hurt each other?"  
  
Three heads nod.  
  
"Great." A smile shows on my face. "Let’s go to bed then."  
  
I feel overly tired and I know they are too, that's why we drag our feet upstairs. As we reach the master bedroom, I can feel them sigh with relief.  
  
I get in the covers, suddenly feeling incredibly tired.  
  
My angelical and evil side flank me as they lay one on each side. They will protect me from good and evil, I know they won't leave me alone. And as they hug me they hold hands with a smile, they place their joined hand on my chest, just above my heart, protecting it.  
  
Pawler curls at our feet. She knows she can't control me anymore, she's a very important aspect of my life -he's a very important aspect of my life, but they are just that, a part of me not my everything.  
  
"Mind to help me out?" I start my mantra to help me sleep and they soon follow.  
  
One by one I feel them drifting off to sleep, and the most important part of it all: I can see peaceful waters in front of me. Here, lying in my bed, with my three Paulas, I find the balance I've been looking for so long.  
  
I feel peace. I feel balance. I feel… like me.  
  
  
  
**Finished 07/28/11**


End file.
